the mean reds.

“Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat, and maybe it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid, and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?”

Two weeks ago I woke up with a bad case of The Mean Reds. Do you know the ones I mean? If you’ve never experienced them you might not quite be able to imagine. Because to have The Mean Reds means to feel fearful and not know what you’re afraid of; to feel hopeless, even when you have everything to hope for.

I’m lucky that within the depths of my despair I had friends and family to give me the equal doses of reality and empathy that I needed. The Mean Reds are very real but ultimately, I’m the only one who has power over my own feelings. My dad sent me this quote that, while I don’t know if it’s actually linked to any culture’s shamanic traditions, sums it up nicely:

“Before the Shaman can diagnose an illness he will first ask 4 questions:

1. When did you stop singing?
2. When did you stop dancing?
3. When did you stop being enchanted by stories?
4. When did you stop enjoying the sweet sound of silence?”

We’re all creating ourselves, and our lives in every moment. But sometimes I forget this and become caught up in the “shoulds” and “need tos” of trying to be a “responsible adult”. I let myself get distracted from the things that make me feel the most joyful, the most alive. In some ways I allowed The Mean Reds to creep up on me. With every unrealistic expectation, festering anxiety, and sacrifice of self-care I’d made way for them in my life.

When our actions create a life that isn’t wholly in integrity with our truth, those core beliefs we all carry around inside of us, maybe a case of The Mean Reds can be a wake up call to cultivate those things we want to flourish most vibrantly in our lives, and to worry a little less about the other stuff.

We all lead pretty good lives, and yet it’s still easy to get downtrodden. But we always have the chance to start over, re-prioritize, try again, which reminds of me this song by The Submarines that has been stuck in my head. “Everyday I wake up I choose love, I choose light, and I try, it’s too easy just to fall apart…”

And there’s always my favourite Paul Simon line: “It’s not a breakdown if it goes. So, what are you going to do about it? That’s what I’d like to know.”

Maybe The Mean Reds are inevitable as we stretch, and grow into the selves that we are becoming.  But it was important for me to realize that it’s okay to have these moments when life kicks you down, because in the end all that matters is what comes out of them. Within mine I’ve found a place to get back in touch with my dreams, and that’s never a bad thing.

Have you ever gotten The Mean Reds? Do you have you any tricks for getting rid of them or do you just ride them out?

xoxo
S.

P.S. If The Mean Reds have got you down, here’s the cute cat video my mom sent to cheer me up (promise me you’ll watch it to the end):